Jeff Solaris

There's a few errors that need correcting here:-

Icon needed.


Let's Move on to personality:-

Cold and unemotional Jeff is intellectually very superior to most of the students, although he does not show it.

How would you know this unless you've been through all the apps and see if they're intellectually quick? There's quite a few students at the moment who're quite smart and have mental abilities so I'd like you to remove the word 'most' and replace it with 'some'.

His bionics are a closely guarded secret, and he will not tell anyone about them.

You may want to put he 'TRIES' not to tell anyone because teachers and staff at the school would NEED to know about it in case something goes wrong. Along with that if he's using them in a combat class, monster hunting, etc, people will see and notice, teachers if they're in mechanics for instance would most likely know what it is because that is their field of expertise. Not a very well guarded secret because before long a lot of characters would know about it. Not only that but like I said in the cbox, there's a few characters who are cyborgs or have what you'd call bionics so he's not the only one with it.

Jeff also loves studying to some degree, and tries to be three weeks ahead in all his classes, which with his intellect is not very hard to do.

Just fair warning, that'll most likely get annoying to teacher characters, because if he's that smart? Why is he even in the school? It seems pointless for him to be there if he can basically teach himself. I can understand being a couple of lessons ahead but being weeks ahead at a time? It just renders classes moot.

Another thing about him is that he is prone to severe headaches, a glitch because of the new bionic chip. When he has these headaches, if he gets mad enough the Commando App inside him activates. And that is a problem. For a new personality will take over. One that is sarcastic, rude, blunt and cruel. And one that knows how to use all of his bionics to the maximum levels possible. Calming him down will deactivate the Commando App. It is usually activated if someone threatens him, or pushes him around.

This makes him sound like a huge danger to students, which means Security Staff will knock him the hell out if he 'glitches' or this Commando App thing activates. Not only that but the school would be extremely wary of taking him in as a student because of this, I'd suggest editing it a bit so that he's not such a danger to other students.

Now that personality is dealt with time to move on and deal with dislikes and likes:-

• Scientists other than his dad, Drake or himself.

I would suggest removing this, as he'd just auto hate all the science teachers, anyone in the mech labs. He'd have to be in a lab BY HIMSELF for him to 'have a good day' in the labs sadly they definitely wouldn't allow him in there unsupervised. Of course he wouldn't be able to take any of the science classes or mech classes because he wouldn't get along with anyone thanks to him disliking any other scientists apart from his family either that or he'd probably get kicked out of the class depending on his conduct.

Okay time to move on to history:-

Bionic Technology was a technology none had invented in the world home to Utopia until Mark Solaris cracked the code with the help of his wife Elena, and his brother Drake.

There's Sooso (Hasn't been added yet but it's going to be in the next few days and has been in the works for a month now), it's the technology center of the entire world and they are decades ahead of everywhere else in the world, meaning it's probably most likely already been created (given they have androids and cyborgs and all sorts of other tech) and it'll be there. You could say that Mark Solaris was the first to crack the code for the country he was from making him revered in that country but it certainly wouldn't be the first time the tech was made.

The three of them had great plans for the technology, planning to use it to usher in a new age of heroes. Unfortunately the first born to Elena was sick, deathly so.

Again for his country, not the world, just make sure to put that in.

Quite notably his super strength, super speed, and super intellect.

Please only pick two from those three. I'd suggest getting rid of the super speed because no one has it and in a battle it'd simply give you an extra action slot.

Six years passed and Jeff had gotten up to College Level so to speak, because of his super intelligence.

He wouldn't be in the school then... He'd be in a college... Why is he even attending U.I?

By that time Drake had completed work on a new, and more powerful chip. While Jeff was sleeping in the capsule that stabilized his glitches, Drake swapped out the chips. Unfortunately the new chip had the super speed function locked.

Okay since the super speed is locked, I'll allow it to slide for now, but even if it's ever 'unlocked' it would still only grant him a little extra speed giving him an extra action slot during battles.

Finally ready, Drake sent him off to the Institute so he could have some socialization that he lacked.

It seems pointless for him to be in the academy, you may want to just make him a civilian unless you're willing to remove the whole 'he's college level' and has learned to that point because they just wouldn't bother keeping him there, he'd have already exceeded the academy. So you might want to say he's above average intellect but not to that point or this app is kinda pointless.

The bionic technology is something Jeff keeps a closely guarded secret.

Again, it's something someone already probably created in Sooso, given the QUEEN of that country is in the academy, she'd most certainly know what it is along with other cyborg characters or chipped characters from that country.


When you've fixed the above problems, reply to this thread and I'll give it another check over.